“My inner-critic screams loudly, I can’t silence her. She runs the show.”
I finished my day with a deep sadness in my heart. Not because it was a bad day, it was a great day but it was one of those days I know will sit with me for a bit.
A bunch of girls opened their heads and hearts to me. Beautiful girls speaking openly and honestly about the voice that lives in their head. Bright girls who could articulate their feelings and their thoughts with rich vocabulary. Strong girls who were courageous to share so openly.
The thing is, they can see all of these things in each other, and I can see it in them, but they cannot see it in themselves - that voice inside them just will not allow it.
That critical voice holds a heavy power over them and they believe every word it tells them.
I’m so ugly.
I’m such an idiot.
I’m not smart enough for that.
What’s the point in even trying?
I’m fortunate enough to run a girls empowerment group where I teach. I have the honour of holding space for these beautiful girls. Not a job I take lightly.
I asked the girls to close their eyes and pay attention to how they felt when I said statements.
I’m so ugly
I’m such an idiot
I’m so fat
I’m not good enough
They told me it felt heavy, like their heart dropped from their chest into their tummy. But they also told me it felt normal. They felt that way all the time. Sadly, I told them it is normal, but just because it’s normal doesn’t mean that is how it has to stay. Just because it is normal doesn’t mean they have to live with it. They do have the ability to talk back. They do have the ability to silence the screams. They can do it, but they don’t know how. Not yet.
I asked the girls to close their eyes and tune it to how it feels when I read out empowering statements - thoughts from their ‘Inner Champion’.
I am beautiful
I am smart
I love who I am
I am a good friend
I am enough
A small number of girls told me it felt nice to hear these words - just a small number. The rest were quick to tell me it felt like a lie - they didn’t believe the statements, they felt forced as if they were a fraud. It felt awkward as if she was ‘over-hyping herself’. One girl told me she hated it more than the critical voice; her inner critic’s voice is louder, she told the group with tears threatening to fall, it just screams over the whisper of her Champion Voice. My heart broke a little at that moment.
7 years old.
That is how old we are when this inner critic of ours develops.
At first the voice is that of a parent figure before it is quickly swallowed by the ego.
The ego feeds off this. The critique. Useless. Don’t even bother trying. Stay here. Stay small. It’s safer this way.
Before you know it, you’re 12 years old.
You have spent 5 years listening to that critical voice.
You believe everything she says. Everything.
That harsh critic has become that voice who berates you at every step.
Everytime you look in the mirror. Everytime you take a risk. Everytime you put your school uniform on and hop on the school bus. Everytime you hear whispers behind your back. Everytime you don’t perform to your standards.
By the time you are 30, this critical voice has had 23 years to grow, like a virus, infecting everything you do; When you take that selfie and don’t smile wide because your teeth are crooked; when you stare at the contact in your phone but don’t send the message because you have convinced yourself you are unworthy of his love - of any love; when you shame yourself at the end of a hard day because you *should* be able to handle this all better.
This voice infects everything - everything.
By the time you are 40, you have spent 33 years with this voice screaming at you. It screams at you when you are applying for that new job - “What’s the point, there will be someone better than you!”; It screams at you when you when your marriage feels turbulent - “It’s your fault, you should have been a better wife.”; It screams at you when you can no longer hide your lines and wrinkles under your makeup - “God you’re an ugly old woman, look at you, I can’t believe you let yourself go like this.”
This voice screams loudly - and she holds nothing back.
By the time you are 50, this critical voice has spent 43 years infecting every thought you have. The screaming never stops. Each year it gets louder, and louder and louder.
43 years of being at war with yourself.
My heart broke a little today but I don’t think it was just for these girls. I think it broke a little for myself - for my younger self. The little girl who didn’t know how to love herself. The little girl who didn’t know how to care for herself. The little girl who didn’t know she was allowed to. I do this work because it is what I needed when I was 12. I needed someone to show me that the way I was speaking to myself was deeply critical. I needed someone to teach me how to love all that I am and embrace my quirks. I needed someone to pull me out of my head so I could learn that just because I think something doesn’t make it true.
As teachers and parents we show up for all of these little humans each and everyday, but sometimes we forget to show up for ourselves. We have spent years believing the stories that keep us trapped in this spiral of self-criticism, judgment and shame. So much so, we no longer believe we have any control - it is just the way it is - but I want to challenge that. To light the path for these young kids we share our life with, we have to learn how to silence the screaming within our own heads and the only way to do this is to meet yourself with self-compassion, to thank that inner critic for trying to keep you safe and embrace everything that makes you the incredible human that you are. Because you are incredible and if you cannot see that yet, please know I see it in you and there will be hundreds of other people who do too.
Life's too short to be at war with yourself.
You are worthy of everything you could ever desire, including loving every inch of who you are.
I didn’t figure this all out at 12, but I did in my early 30s
It took a long time to silence the voice.
But I did it.
When I learned how to be more compassionate with myself, I was able to turn down the volume of my inner critic and allowed my inner champion to become my own ‘hype-man’ and my whole world changed.
I changed.
Are you ready to change?
Let my book be the catalyst for you.
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